Some thoughts and future plans

{ Saturday, October 8, 2011 }
I think the most important lesson in my life at the moment is to give myself enough love, appreciation and respect, regardless of how others act towards me. I don't seem to really connect with a lot of people, and often I feel like an outcast. Then I read articles that say it's a good thing to be an outsider, because they will often achieve great things. Then I wonder, which great things am I achieving? None really, although we all have to start with the small things in life. I like to be on my own, but I also like company. Not chitchatting with acquaintances, but rather meaningful talks and discussions with close friends. I hate receptions and parties where you constantly have to think of what to say and to reply. It wears me out. Unfortunately my life is filled with thinking of what to say at the moment.
I'm starting to let go too though. It's ok if I never fit in with this group or if I never have a lot of friends. When I'm back in Belgium, I might take some courses on how to be more assertive, but I'm starting to accept and appreciate that I'm not made to be the center of attention. I have my own thoughts, and that is a blessing too. I've been so busy trying to please in the past, that I forgot myself and what I want in life. If anything, I hope my stay abroad can at least give me some clarity on what I want to do with my life. At this moment I feel I want to be a teacher in primary school, and encourage my young students to grow and to be confident of themselves. Next to that I want to make the world a better place for animals. I want to do something for them, although I don't know the details yet. Finally, I also want to be a writer. I really want to be a writer.
Preferably, I want to live in the country, where I can hear the birds singing every morning and watch the seasons change. Sitting outside with some candlelight during warm summernights, drinking tea and having deep and fulfilling conversations with my husband or friends. Taking long walks in the forest during autumn, feeling the wind blow in my face and smelling the perfect scent of the forest. Playing in the snow with my children during winter and afterwards making hot chocolate and watching a beautiful movie. Laying in the garden during spring and watching the flowers grow, having picnics, drinking selfmade lemonade.
I know, I know, how idealistic can you be? But that's just how I am, I don't want to be satifsfied with an apartment in the city, a stressful job and falling asleep in front of the tv at night.

Then there is the matter of trust. My life can look so grim at times, and then I forget that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I believe in God, why is it so hard to trust Him? Why I can't let go of my worries and negative thoughts and just have faith? Maybe life is not looking pretty great at the moment, but there is always something to enjoy, even if it's just the taste of ice cream or the smile on a child's face. I need to have faith and let go of how I think my life should be. I can work for my dreams, but in the end, it's all in God's hands. Maybe I can struggle against His will, thinking I know better what I need, but of course I don't. I think we need to take our disappointments as a sign that something better is coming along. There is always something better on the way, with overt or hidden blessings in it.

Have a wonderful day x


äмän ♥ said...

hehe i hate parties and receptions too :P :D nice song <3

Safiyah said...

thanks :)

MarieHarmony said...

Safiyah, how funny it is to read you as I feel it's me you're talking about. Keep your dreams alive and don't let people make you feel wrong about them - I know one day I will have this life I always wanted, Trust in God and allow yourself to be free.
You don't have to be like others - Your strength is in your difference.
Take care

djd-fr said...

..."there is always something to enjoy"...
Yes, there is, God give us many blessings. If we follow His Way, often the rest will just fall into place. In a way, a lot of it is not majorly important, such as which profession we choose, but how we exercise it, yes. If we practice love, forgiveness, peacemaking, freedom from prejudice, using our spiritual intelligence, then we accomplish His Will, no matter where we are.

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