An apple and an egg

{ Tuesday, December 6, 2011 }
I miss expressing myself. I'm so busy with school and with trying to manage life here in Cairo, that I don't even find time to listen much to my thoughts, or to ask myself how I feel about stuff. I have no inspiration either. It's like a rusty mirror. I just need to wipe off the dirt, and then maybe I can see myself and my thoughts clearly again. 
I can say how much work I have for school, how life in Cairo is proving to be bad for my health, but I want to talk about deeper things. I didn't intend this blog to be only a diary. 

Maybe I can say that my thoughts about religion are constantly changing, and that I definitely start to see it more as a private affair. I mean with that that I think everyone has the right to have his/her own thoughts about religion, and that others shouldn't interfere with it. It makes me angry when I see so called Muslims making dead treats to others because they don't agree with their orthodox Islamic way of thinking. God created us with a brain to think for ourselves. It's about your connection with God, so what are others doing in the picture anyway?

My curiosity let me to try two different ways of dressing as a Muslim girl, here in Egypt. Once I wore hijaab while going to Azhar park, and it felt different. I felt like I fitted in more, and people actually thought I was Egyptian. I also tried the black abaya and niqaab, while my fiancé was here (no, he didn't force me). We went to a Saudi restaurant and thanks to the niqaab I was wearing we could sit in the only secluded table available. I also wore it when we went to Citystars. Just out of curiousity. To be honest, it made me feel invisible. From being stared at all the time for being a foreigner (which I don't particulary enjoy either) to being totally overlooked by men. It was like I wasn't there, and that didn't give me a good feeling either. I also had breathing problems and needed to lift the niqaab a little from time to time. I can't see myself wearing it all the time. 
I like to dress differently, take on different identities and see how people react towards me. Maybe I do that to make up for the fact that I'm struggeling to find out who I really am and what I really want in life. That's a part of modern life, isn't it? To find out what you "really" want in life. It happens a lot in movies. A woman is depressed, and once she finds out what she really wants to do, bam! Success and happiness fall out of the sky like pouring rain. Whether this happens in real life remains to be seen. 

I realise I've been a bit random in this post, but I'm just flexing my muscles to get back in shape again!

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