Bi Sara7a: The honest truth

{ Friday, March 23, 2012 }
Assalaamu aleykum,

I have to admit, it's hard wearing hijaab. I know what my ideal thinking should be, I know it all too well. I should only care about pleasing God. I'm trying to. But I've always been someone who cares too much about what other people think. Part of why I wanted to wear hijaab is to make a stance and finally get rid of this need to please. Only, I feel this need is catching up with me.
I'm not thinking of taking the hijaab off again. I just find myself sometimes thinking "what were you thinking putting it on when you have zero support in your direct environment?" 
It's a chore to go outside, to take the bus and to walk around in the city (which is mostly where I'm heading to). I wish I had this super imaan where I'm totally immune for people's looks and opinions, and I couldn't care less about running into someone I know. But I find myself caring. I find myself dreading the 3 first bus stops in case someone gets on that I know. I have this irrational fear that they will come up to me and shout "Why are you wearing headscarf?! Are you a Muslim now or what?!" And everyone would turn to stare at me. 
People stare. I can never just blend in anymore. I feel people's disapproval. Of course I knew this would happen, but you never truly know what it's like until you are in the middle of it. 
When I walk around in the city center, I'm terrified of running into one of my family members. My mother is very ashamed of me wearing headscarf and hasn't told anyone, and I just don't know how they would react. I do know their opinion about the headscarf and it ain't good. 
As a result, I find myself going out less, just to avoid all this. This isn't exactly what I expected. I make a lot of duaa to be strong and steadfast, but I just don't seem to get over myself. Someone has already asked me why I just don't take it off if it's such a hassle. But how can I compare my problems with the ones that the early Muslims faced and justify that I would take it back off? There is no justification, because it involves my own fears more than anything else. I've come this far and I'm not backing off. I just don't know how to get rid of this constant anxiety when I'm outside. I make dhikr and recite Quran in my head on the bus, but it seems like I lose my connection with God due to the fear and stress I experience. 

I could really use some advice :-(


Bonnie said...

Salam alikum Sis

I was like this for a long time, I even seriously debated wearing niqab so that no one could tell it was me period. I promise you as time goes by it gets easier, but it does in fact take time. All I can really say is make lots of dua and take courage and try to focus on what the ultimate goal of the akhira. It is hard and all I can really say that as time passes it will get easier with each day xx

New Wife said...

Aw Safiyah... I understand. My mom use to call my 3abaya the "sad sack"...

But one of my friends told me something I like to keep in mind.

All those people you are worried about, in the end are they gonna be there for you forever no matter what? Are they gonna take care of you and love you unconditionally? If not.. who the crap cares what they think?!? They don't deserve your stress and anxiety over them.

You are doing the right thing and they are not. If you should feel anything.. it is pity that they are not so lucky as you to be guided alhamdulillah mashaAllah.

I'll be making du3a for you and I hope this situation becomes easier for you with the help of Allah! xoxoxo

bosnishmuslima said...

Dear Safiyah,

everyone has her own difficulties in the beginning. It's quite normal, it's a huge change. Even later such difficulties can occur. The main point you have to remember, you are not alone! Allah is always with you and who is the best Helper, of all helpers?! Plus it comes all to your attitude towards the thing as whole. When you face all these people with all their hate in their eyes you just have to remind yourself that you are the winner and smile. You are guided and espacially loved by our Lord. Let them feel superior or like winners and smile because you know it better. When you internalize this, you will go with your head up high.
In fact, all the negativity made me even stronger, thinking now more than ever! And if you believe it or not, I learnt to enjoy being different.
Inshaallah you will find your way and may Allah make it easy for you. Ameen

Safiyah said...

Thanks for your advice, Bonnie :) I sometimes wished I could wear niqaab too, but I can't anyway since it's forbidden here and my mother would completely lose it. I suppose I need to have sabr, and do more effort to increase my imaan. Take care x

Safiyah said...

Thank you for your dua, New Wife :) My mum tells me often that I'm going back 100 years and that I'm undoing everything women worked for this century.

You are right, only people who really care about us should deserve that we care about what they think, I just hope I could internalise this! Stay well! x

Safiyah said...

Ameen! Thanks for your advice, bosnishmuslima :) InshaAllah I will be strong and remember that I'm doing this for Allah, the best Protector and the best Helper. I hope I can learn to stand my ground and be proud of my headscarf. Stay well! x

New Wife said...

It took me a while to really understand it and practice it as well. It helped that my friends were reminding me a lot alhamdulillah. It always seems easier to say it than to actually do it, but the more you say it, the more you believe it and the more comfortable you will be inshaAllah.

Allah make it easy for you sis!!

My mom use to beg me "can't you just wear a LITTLE makeup? Can't you wear pants just around your extended family? can't you just loosen your scarf around your neck? Can't you just put a little of your hair out?" The Shaytan talks through even those people who love you the most... but alhamdulillah you know what is right. My mom has begun to accept and even appreciate the way that I dress and even brags about me sometimes to people, alhamdulillah her attitude changed drastically. InshaAllah you will see the same in your mom with time.

DD said...

Masha'Allah Sister you are so brave. Alhamdulilah i'm the sort of person doesn't care what people think. But i do have my moments, and in those moments i remind myself of how proud i am to be a Muslim and the reason why i wore hijab in the first place (for the sake of Allah) and that removing hijab would be displeasing Allah in order to please an ignorant people who hate me on sight, which would be a retarded way to go about things. That's how i think of it and it helps a great deal

Safiyah said...

Thanks, DD :-) You are right! Why would you want to please people who are so shallow that they judge people by its cover. You sound very brave too, by the way ;-)

Safiyah said...

Ameen! I'm happy that your mum accepted you, alhamdulillah! :) My mum is still astounded that I have to wear it every time I go out, not once in a while when I feel like it lol. Also, according to her, the weather is too hot now to wear hijaab, so why do I do it? I really get tired of explaining...

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